My youngest daughter took a trip on an airplane to visit her dad last weekend.
I didn't really want her to go. I knew that they would do lots of fun things that I can't afford to do with her and that he would buy her lots of great stuff that I can't afford to buy her.
And that is exactly what happened.
She jumped in the car at the airport full of stories of his great new condo where she has a bathroom attached to her room. She pulled darling dresses and new books and art supplies out of her suitcase to show me that he had bought her.
"Dad made me breakfast this morning!" she said, reciting the elaborate menu.
"I make you breakfast every day." I wanted to say.
But instead I just said: "That is great, honey. I'm glad you had fun." Even though, I will confess to you: I was not glad at all.
For a while I have been struggling with the fact that my kids don't blame their dad at all for the breakup of our family. They see the struggles that his actions are causing me, but yet they still maintain their relationships with him. They still seem to see him as the funny, carefree dad that he always was for them.
For a long time this made me really mad. But now I am starting to see what it is about.
They don't want to choose sides. They want to believe that he is a father to admire. They want to keep loving him. And I am trying to be O.K. with that.
I am trying to put myself in their shoes. I think of people I love, who sometimes disappoint me and do things I think are wrong and I remember how I keep loving them anyway because I think of it as my job to love them in spite of their shortcomings.
Somewhere along the line, I lost the ability to do that with their dad, probably when I was hurt one too many times.
But they are still doing it. And it isn't fair of me to expect them to give up their relationship with him in order to prove that they love me.
They are loving past the point where it makes sense. And that is one of the funny things about love.
but you won't abandon your masterpiece, you will deliver your masterpiece. The masterpiece is you Lisa.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I saw one of their FB posts about their great trips to Atlanta, I wondered what the heck was going on. I was like "Where is their loyalty?" I still do wonder, but at least now I understand a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI see it myself in my everyday life with our Katie - for the last 11 years, we have done and done and done for her, and her father has done essentially nothing, but he is still loved and respected and admired.
And I see it also, in a different, but very positive way, with Glen - he never took sides, and we never put him in a position to take sides, and his relationship with both Lori and I is, I think quite strong and positive.
So just keep on keeping on, and don't put them in the middle, and while it will dig at you, like it did when Bridget came home after her fab trip to ATL (it's really not THAT full of graffiti), you will ultimately come to peace with it, and your relationship with your kids will still be strong. They have enough to share, and they're very good at figuring things out - so they know what's going on, and they're handling it in a way that works for them.
I don't know about the "come to peace part" of it. I know I never have.
ReplyDeleteSomeday your kids will be grownups, and something will happen in their lives, or they will have an "aha" moment and they will see how hard it was for you and they will see different times in their life where you sacrificed for them or were hurt by them and they will learn from it and grow from it and appreciate what you did for them. And this is the worst run on sentence in the world! Keep your head up, you taught your kids right, and someday they will see it :-)
ReplyDelete