I Tell You I'm Qualified!

I am looking for a job. Me and half of the rest of the world.

The last job I applied for used to belong to my friend Wendy. She purchased fruit and ordered lunches and answered phones and sometimes wrote letters for a Public Relations firm.

She was basically the PR firms' mother.

Then she got promoted to finance and told me that her former job was available.

So I wrote a clever cover letter and sent a padded resume and it has been two weeks and still they have not called me.

What? I mean seriously, I rock at buying fruit and ordering lunch. I have been doing that for 20 years.

The job market is tough!

First of all, there is a job just writing job descriptions to make them look impossible, I think. (By the way, I would also rock at that job).

All of the entry level full-time jobs on the site I visit have a huge list of requirements that you must meet to even be considered.

Just to be a nanny you have to speak two languages. I got all excited about that one until I found out that Pig-Latin, which my sister Kate and I are awesome at, does not count.

You must "be proficient" at a whole bunch of computer programs that I don't even have on my computer.

You must have "at least" three years experience doing whatever it is the entry level job wants you to do. So then, not really entry level, I think, kind of mid-level.

I keep checking this site every day hoping to find a job description that reads:

"Must be good at motivating unmotivated people."

"Must know how to divide day lilies."

"Must be proficient at acting positive while feeling negative."

"Must be able to design and plant a kick-ass front porch container."

"Must know how to create dinner using a half-rusted head of lettuce, a pound of bacon, a can of black beans and a half package of tortillas."

"Must be able to remove gum from from the seat of a pair of jeans."

Does anyone need a mother? Oh, by the way, medical benefits and at least a week of paid vacation would be nice.